Strength.

What does it mean to be "strong?"

Recently, my coworkers and I spent a day moving our company’s storage unit to a new warehouse space in New Jersey. It was the most physical activity I’d done in a long time and I started thinking about strength - physical and mental. Before the Covid-19 pandemic, I worked as an office manager for the HQ of a large retailer - handling all the daily operations for 3 locations in NYC with over 1,200 employees across those buildings. Employees reached out to me and my team to help them with any myriad of tasks - we set up showrooms, we brought supplies (tables, chairs, rolling grids), we moved employees from desk to desk. Needless to say, it was a PHYSICAL job and I was one of the few females on the team.

Over my three years in the role, I was at my physical peak - spending hours on my feet, easily logging the recommended 10,000 steps/day. I went to the gym 3x a week, including a weekly session with a physical trainer to help build my endurance and upper body strength. Then came March 2020 and my life changed quickly. The first few weeks were nice; no running around, no answering numerous emails & complaints - but I didn’t want to be sedentary. I started taking a daily 3+ mile walk in my neighborhood. It helped me get acquainted with areas that I never passed by and helped me get some fresh air and sunlight.

Eventually the gyms reopened and I was just about to head back to my familiar routine when the Governor of New York decided that people no longer needed to wear face masks in the gym. (Sure, we had a vaccine, but that didn’t prevent all infections.) Ok, the gym - a no go. I started volunteering at a food pantry twice a week; prepping meals for immunocompromised people and people who couldn’t leave their homes. I enjoyed spending the 8 hours a week with a team of regular volunteers, mostly retirees, who lauded me for by physical ability to move crates of food and push carts around the kitchen. I was starting to feel strong again.

Shortly after that, I found a new job - I would be helping reopen Broadway shows and theatres as part of their merchandising team. The perfect way to combine my retail knowledge with my love of the theatre! I started to build by physical strength again - climbing numerous flights of stairs in old theatres (no elevators or escalators here), carrying boxes of merch, climbing ladders to install visual displays; you name it, we did it. All in all, we opened 13 shows in 3.5 months.

Again, I felt myself getting the hang of this job and the physical demands. Then, two weeks after my 40th birthday, I was diagnosed with cancer. While I was scared, I knew I would do whatever it would take to get through it. I didn’t share anything about my diagnosis on social media, so there was a period of time when only my closest family and friends knew what I was going through. When what was supposed to be a surgery to remove all the tumors turned into a diagnosis of Stage 3 endometrial carcinoma and I knew would have to go through radiation and chemotherapy, I had to share more.

I posted a photo of myself before my hysterectomy and shared my diagnosis. The outpouring of support and love was a bit overwhelming. However, something struck me - why is it when someone is battling cancer that we say “You’re so strong!” I didn’t feel physically strong; I felt helpless in some ways and was preparing to do what it takes with a treatment plan of 80% success of no reoccurrence.

And yes, I was halfway through my radiation treatment when my Dad suddenly passed away. He was unreachable for more than 24 hours and I didn’t see him on the home security system that I had set up to check-in with him from time to time. Although some people thought I should have went to Nebraska, changing my treatment plan wouldn’t bring him back to life. I chose to stay in NYC and finish my treatment plan at one of the best hospitals in the country. We would honor my Dad when I was done with chemo.

Now, I am over halfway through the 5-year observation period. I am physically strong for someone who went through 28 cycles of radiation, 6 cycles of chemo and was pushed into medically induced menopause. Menopause has caused more fun things - hot flashes, eczema, arthritis; but you wouldn’t know it by just glancing at me.

Each day can bring on new challenges - this morning, I woke up with an ache in my side and the Los Angeles weather has been HOT, not so great when I’m already running hot; but I’ve learned to take things day by day. (Sometimes hard for someone who really enjoys a plan or schedule!)

Back to the warehouse move, we were pushing racks, carrying boxes - it felt like I was back to my pre-cancer self, but the following day I could definitely tell that my body wasn’t back to that “normal”. (Coincidentally, I’m writing this while waiting for a flight and yes, BTS’s new song “NORMAL” just came on - perfect timing.) I wonder what would be the better saying for someone to say to a new cancer patient - “You can do it!” Nah, that’s not right. “Fuck cancer!” Also great, but not helpful. The statement can mean different things to different people, but somehow “You’re so strong” never felt right with me. Now, if you see me lift a 40 lbs. box and carry it down some old theatre steps - feel free to say that to me.

Something that was also helpful - laughter! And Chelsey Gomez has some of the best memes/graphics out there! Please check out her Instagram page.